No era así como debía ser. I

En cuanto me crea que puedo controlar la situación me voy de jeta de nuevo al piso. Y esta vez, me rompo todos los dientes. No me fue suficiente escuchar la maldad en boca de otros, si no que la tuve que comprobar yo reiteradamente, una y otra vez, caigo, vuelvo a subir, planeo, me mantengo, me mandan de nuevo al suelo. Y obviamente no es culpa de nadie, es culpa de mi estúpido controlador de emociones e ilusiones. Dicen que el miedo se esconde detrás del enojo, bueno el enojo no lo puedo encontrar (ojala pudiera), y el miedo se almacena en el pecho, justo antes de tirarme del avión, para intentar planear con el paracaídas, pero no, este no funciona y caigo vacío, caída libre de mas de 500 metros, busco hasta paredes para rasguñar, a ver si se frena la caída, pero no. Y de paso, la cabeza me da las vueltitas particulares antes del mareo, antes de que la boca del estomago quede vuelta patas para arriba y la garganta queme. Y sí, quema, quema como vodka del barato, del que es alcohol etílico puro, ni esencia, así como vino de la botella, adentro! Solo que esta vez no es alcohol, ojala lo fuera, es amontonamiento de palabras, es ansia de escupir todas las partículas que se distribuyen por el consiente y muchas veces también por el subconsciente. Y que hago? Nada, calladita, acepto represaria poco justa, me disculpo, bajo la cabeza, junto manos en la espalda y capas escribo la justificación o me entrego a la tristeza para no dar pena con una escusa armada a imagen y semejanza de mis sentimientos mal heridos por tanto ultraje interno. 

Stand here and watch me BURN.

Now you're saying that you knew me when I was invincible.

I can’t breathe but I 
still 
fight while I can fight

You should open your eyes.

Little things adding up

You don't know me
Just let you know that, you're 
not 
alone

They all think it's a waste

Do you recognize me?

Have you ever love somebody so 
much 
you can b
arely breathe?

A steel knife in my windpipe

Try so hard not to rush

What you're made of.

Just like I predicted, We're at the point of no return
We can go backwards, and no corners have been turned.
I can't control it, if I sink or if I swim 
'cause I chose the water that I'm in.

And it makes no difference who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
'Cause there's only one thing I want 

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You where willing but unable to give me anymore
There's no way, You're changing,
cause somethings will just never be mine,
You're not love this time ... but it's allright.

I hear you talking, but your words don't mean a thing.
I doubt you ever put your heart into anything.
It's not much to ask for, to get back what I put in,
But I chose the waters that I'm in.

And it makes no difference who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
'Cause there's only one thing I want 

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You where willing but unable to give me anymore
There's no way, You're changing,
cause somethings will just never be mine
You're not love this time ... but it's allright.

What's your definition of the one
What you really want him to become?
No matter what I sacrifice it's still never enough

Just like I predicted
I will sink before I swim
'cause these are the waters that I'm in

If it's not what you're made of
You're not what I'm looking for
You where willing but unable to give me anymore
There's no way, You're changing,
cause somethings will just never be mine
You're not love this time
You're not love this time
You're not love this time